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| |  Posted Saturday, October 25, 2008 12:47 AM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, October 30, 2008 1:33 AM
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| 6 Joe Six-Pack 6 (10/24/2008)
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
This is deep. I wish I had read this when I was 20 years old.
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| | | Posted Tuesday, October 28, 2008 4:50 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:19 AM
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| Rules for Dealing with Women
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed…..+1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…..0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1
* You leave the toilet seat up…..-5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty…..0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…..-1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom…. ; -2
* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
* In the snow …..+8
* But return with beer…..-5
* And no liners…..-25
* You check out a suspicious noise at night…..0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing…..0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…..+5
* You pummel it with a six iron…..+10
* It’s her cat…..-40
AT THE PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party…..0
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old drinking buddy…..-2
* Named Tiffany…..-4
* Tiffany is a dancer…..-10
* With breast implants…..-18
HER BIRTHDAY
* You remember her birthday…..0
* You buy a card and flowers…..0
* You take her out to dinner…..0
* You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar…..+1
* Okay, it is a sports bar…..-2
* And it’s all-you-can-eat night…..-3
* It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and you r face is painted the colors of your favorite team ¦.-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal…..0
* The pal is happily married…..+1
* The pal is single…..-7
* He drives a Ferrari…..-10
* With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)…..-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie…..+2
* You take her to a movie she likes…..+4
* You take her to a movie you hate…..+6
* You take her to a movie you like…..-2
* It’s called Death Cop III…..-3
* Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls…..-9
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly…..-15
* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it…..+10
* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…..-30
* You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”…..-800
THE BIG QUESTION
* She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
* You hesitate in responding…..-10
* You reply, “Where?”…..-35
* You reply, “No, I think it’s your azz”…..-100
* Any other response…..-20
COMMUNICATION
* When she wants to talk about a problem:
* You listen, displaying a concerned expression…..0
* You listen, for over 30 minutes…..+5
* You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…..+50
* Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, “…well, what do you think I should do?”…..-100
* You have fallen asleep…..-200
IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
* You talk…..-100
* You don’t talk…..-150
* You spend time with her……-200
* You don’t spend time with her…..-500
* You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^| ||
|...BEER TRUCK..........| ||'|";, ___.
|_..._..._______===|=||_|__|..., ] -
"(@)'(@)"""''"**|(@)(@)*****''(@)
If you're not wasted, the day is. My theme song. Make the world a better place, punch Tim Teblow and Tony Stewart Kyle Busch in the face. |
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| | | Posted Tuesday, October 28, 2008 5:10 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, October 30, 2008 11:20 PM
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| Did you hear about the baby that was born with no eye lids?A plastic surgeon used the foreskin from his circumcision to make new eye lids for him. They worked, but now he is a little cockeyed.
Without Sidelines, life has no boundaries. R.I.P.
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| | | Posted Wednesday, October 29, 2008 11:55 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:19 AM
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| A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through
the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way
down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his
home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door,
fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the
door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with
the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, as the
terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks
himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is
coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket
breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward
him.
The man screams and reaches for something,
anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate,
he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're ready for
this!!!)
The coffin
STOPS!! 
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^| ||
|...BEER TRUCK..........| ||'|";, ___.
|_..._..._______===|=||_|__|..., ] -
"(@)'(@)"""''"**|(@)(@)*****''(@)
If you're not wasted, the day is. My theme song. Make the world a better place, punch Tim Teblow and Tony Stewart Kyle Busch in the face. |
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| | | Posted Thursday, October 30, 2008 1:13 AM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, October 30, 2008 1:33 AM
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| A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiousity, "I couldn't help but notice, you have sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" "I'm sorry if I disturbed you" she replied. "I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, quite embarassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said."Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded "Yes......black pepper."
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