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| |  Posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 9:54 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, August 10, 2009 11:12 PM
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| A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
 Don't Take Life Too Seriously
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| | | Posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 9:56 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, August 25, 2009 10:06 PM
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| Haha that's funny! 
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| | | Posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 10:04 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, August 10, 2009 11:12 PM
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| DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former sl**
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................B****
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you !
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his backside.
Don't Take Life Too Seriously |
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| | | Posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 10:29 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, August 10, 2009 11:12 PM
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| A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her
on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
Don't Take Life Too Seriously |
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| | | Posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 10:32 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, August 10, 2009 11:12 PM
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| A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger'.
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to
the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?'
Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know s***?
Don't Take Life Too Seriously |
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| | | Posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 10:45 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, August 10, 2009 11:12 PM
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| There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''
Don't Take Life Too Seriously |
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| | | Posted Tuesday, September 16, 2008 10:48 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, August 10, 2009 11:12 PM
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| A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.
Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg.
The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said,"You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!
So, how did you break your leg?"
Don't Take Life Too Seriously |
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| | | Posted Wednesday, September 17, 2008 12:13 AM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:19 AM
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| jagutopia (9/16/2008)
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?'' George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.'' ''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.'' Nice!
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^| ||
|...BEER TRUCK..........| ||'|";, ___.
|_..._..._______===|=||_|__|..., ] -
"(@)'(@)"""''"**|(@)(@)*****''(@)
If you're not wasted, the day is. My theme song. Make the world a better place, punch Tim Teblow and Tony Stewart Kyle Busch in the face. |
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| | | Posted Wednesday, September 17, 2008 12:15 AM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:19 AM
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| I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, 14 14 14.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in
the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some b*stard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting 15....15....15
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^| ||
|...BEER TRUCK..........| ||'|";, ___.
|_..._..._______===|=||_|__|..., ] -
"(@)'(@)"""''"**|(@)(@)*****''(@)
If you're not wasted, the day is. My theme song. Make the world a better place, punch Tim Teblow and Tony Stewart Kyle Busch in the face. |
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| | | Posted Wednesday, September 17, 2008 7:25 PM | |
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Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, November 03, 2008 10:27 AM
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| A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on a 'special' offering.
Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells the lady that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on a special.
Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! And doing so draws an even huger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and the lady's money was quickly refunded!
You don’t win the title by assembling the best. You win the title by playing the best. JDR |
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